Trouble In Paradise
by ArtificialAorta
Summary: Darcy's not having a good day. The sudden appearance of Wade Wilson isn't going to make it any better. Second in the Glamour Girl series.
1. Prologue: Deadpool in Paradise

**Summary**: Darcy's not having a good day. The sudden appearance of Wade Wilson isn't going to make it any better.  
**Characters/ Parings**: Darcy Lewis/ Clint Barton, Wade Wilson (Deadpool)/ Internet Meme, Phil Coulson, Natasha Romanoff  
**Warnings**: CRACK, though with Deadpool, do you expect anything else?  
**Disclaimer**: Don't own any Marvel characters or Darcy Lewis.  
**A/N**: Part two in the Glamour Girl series! I need some crack in my life to make me feel better. So you get this. If you haven't read the first, I suggest you do as it'll make more sense.  
**A/N2: **Much like the first one, I'll be writing this as the madness hits. Not sure how many chapters yet or the exact conclusion but hope you enjoy the ride!

* * *

When Darcy walked through Clint's front door, she wasn't expecting to hear him mumble a curse or the loud slam of his bedroom door. Particularly since she had only been gone for five minutes. Literally. She kissed him goodbye but by the time she reached the bottom of the stairs, realised she didn't have her cellphone charger. What the hell could Clint be up to within five minutes that was worth keeping secret from her?

"Clint?"

"Hey, what are you doing back?" He asked through the door.

"I forgot my phone charger. Is it in the bedroom?" Darcy tentatively tried the bedroom door but it was locked.

"Uh, not that I see. Maybe it's out there?"

"Oh," Darcy looked around and saw that it was on the kitchen counter. "Yeah, I see it."

"Okay. Have a nice day."

"Clint?" Darcy started, nausea welling in her stomach as she placed an ear to the door. She could hear a slight ruffle of movement but not much else.

"Yeah baby?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Why wouldn't I be?"

"Well, you slammed the door pretty hard when you heard me come in."

"Oh, um...sorry."

"What are you doing in there?"

"Uh...masturbating."

"_What_?" Darcy exclaimed, eyes widening. That was the last thing she was expecting to hear. It sort of explained the strange behaviour but she was pretty sure that he'd thrown out all his porn. Did he get new magazines or did he find a different hiding place than under his mattress? A part of Darcy wondered if he was actually looking at those lingerie pictures of her. She wasn't as upset at the thought now as she had been a few months ago but it made her feel a little self conscious. Other thoughts of what he could be doing tugged incessantly at the corners of her mind. Clint had been acting a little more distant lately and it was worrying her. Trouble was looming in paradise.

"Yeah. You caught me at a bad time. Just go to work."

"I...I can afford to be a little late. I probably missed the train I wanted. Do...you want me to come in?"

"No!" Clint said way too quickly for Darcy's comfort.

"Oh, well do you want me to just talk dirty?"

"Huh? _Oh_..." Clint sounded surprised at the offer but there was a distinct tone that suggested he wasn't opposed to the idea. He cleared his throat. "Thanks but I think this is something I need to do on my own."

"Alright. Well, I'm going now," Darcy almost left but stood for a second, weighing her options before she just went out and said it. "I love you."

"Thanks babe," Clint said after a pause.

It was Darcy's turn to slam the door.


	2. Do The Deadpool Shake

**A/N**: Thought I'd go ahead and post the first chapter, as the prologue was a little short and lacking Deadpool.

* * *

Darcy was officially having a bad day by the time she left Coulson's office. Running into Wade Wilson was definitely not going to make it better.

"Hey girlie," Wade chirped cheerfully.

"Hey," Darcy replied dully.

"Aw, bad day?"

"Yes. Not that it's any of your business. What are you doing here? Being slapped with another sexual harassment case?"

"Nah. Coulson wants to talk about my latest video."

"Oh yeah. What exactly did you say to Thor to convince him to be in your Harlem Shake video?" Darcy asked, genuinely curious. Stark had been in the video too, with his Iron Man helmet, but Darcy knew Stark was vain enough to do something like that just for the attention. Thor on the other hand probably didn't fully understand what an Internet meme was. Spiderman was also in the video but there were doubts around SHIELD whether or not it was the actual Spiderman or just a fake in costume.

"I told him it was an Earth custom. Which is true."

"How is that true?"

"We see an Internet meme, we follow it," Wade explained simply and Darcy supposed there was some logic in that. "Also get enough pitchers of margaritas in the big buy and he's up for any good time. Now what's got you so upset? Coulson say no to the PopTart budget? Things not going well with Hawkass?"

At the mention of Clint, Darcy frowned. He technically was the reason that her day started off crappy. Not that he did anything on purpose as far as she could tell.

"Uh oh, trouble in paradise?" Wade asked, tapping the seat next to him in an invitation for Darcy. She thought a moment and decided to take it because talking to him was better than talking to no one.

"Well," began Darcy with a sigh, slumping onto the chair and doing her best to not shrug off the arm he wrapped around her shoulder. "Things are a little weird."

"How so?"

"Yesterday, Clint had the day off. I left for the lab in the morning like I normally do but when I got downstairs, I realised I forgot my cell charger at his place. If it wasn't going to be a long night, I wouldn't even bother going back but Jane had been texting me gibberish about all the amazing things she dreamt up or something. So yeah, _long_ night last night. I hardly got any sleep. But anyway, I went back upstairs and when I walked in, I heard him slam his bedroom door shut. When I asked what was wrong, he said he was masturbating."

"Hey, when the urge hits..." shrugged Wade letting the sentence hang just long enough for Darcy to think he wasn't going to continue. "Guy's gotta go solo."

Wade waggled his eyebrows and jostled Darcy about with the arm around her shoulder.

"You know, I'm not so sure I want your hand on my arm anymore."

"What? What's the problem with your boyfriend going solo? My hand doesn't like you turning your nose up at it either. It's got me through many hard times. HA! Good one right?"

"This was a stupid idea," Darcy frowned, starting to get up but Wade pulled her back into the chair.

"Hey, hey, no need to rush. I haven't even got to my pearls of wisdom. A guy's relationship to his masturbating hand of choice- with Clint I believe its the right- that relationship is sacred! It's the longest sexual relationship a man will ever have."

"There's so many things wrong with what you just said."

"Here me out!" insisted Wade. "Men masturbate. I wish more of us wouldn't be so ashamed about it. It's what we do. We're all perverts. No number of women will ever change that. Hell, Clint would still be getting it on with himself if he had three of you on constant rotation."

Despite Wade being Wade, Darcy had to admit there was some logic to what he was saying and that it sort of came from a well meaning part of his heart. It was kind of strange how he seemed to make her feel better with nonsense. With a slightly renewed sense of trust in him, Darcy continued towards what was really bothering her.

"So, I guess it's not just catching him. I mean, it is but there's more. I...I think Clint's cheating on me. He's been more secretive the past week and hiding things. And I'm afraid that whatever he was doing in his room- masturbation or not...well I'm afraid that whatever it was, is proof."

"I can guarantee you that he's not cheating on you," Wade promised, starting to lift a huge weight off of Darcy's shoulders before dropping it back down. "I mean, he used to do that _all_ the time- sleep around behind his girlfriends' backs but he wouldn't do that with you. That was mostly because they didn't talk about what he wasn't allowed to do. You've talked to him about that though. Yeah?"

"No," choked Darcy, feeling a hundred times worse than she was before. This had been a stupid idea. Enlightening but stupid.

"Oh...well he's not gonna cheat on you. You're different."

"Really? Am I really different? People always think they're different and that they can change someone but you can't! I've seen _He's Not That Into You_. What makes me an exception?" Darcy demanded, voice starting to rise hysterically.

"Uhh...your tits are awesome?" Shrugged Wade unhelpfully.

"A couple nights ago, Clint said he loved me for the first time," admitted Darcy suddenly.

"See! He never says that to other chicks. Or me by the way. Oh," Wade took a cue from Darcy's still down trodden face. "Did he do it with another poem? I can see why that would be upsetting."

"No. I would have loved that. He said it during sex. We were having sex and then he grunts out 'fuck baby, I love you' and then didn't say anything about it afterwards. I've said it to him like, five times now and the best I get is a 'thanks babe'. The worst was when I said it a week ago, he winked and shot finger guns at me. Finger guns! Who the fuck does that? And now I'm freaking out because I don't know if he meant it or if it just came out because we were having sex and that's just something he sometimes does or maybe he was thinking about someone else during else and it's all just freaking me out," Darcy took in a deep shuddering breath. "I'm starting to feel like I don't actually know him."

"I've seen the way Hawkass drools over you. He loves you," Wade assured and put an arm back around Darcy. She leaned into him, remembering how he could occasionally be sweet.

"I'm starting to understand Taylor Swift songs. Is that a bad sign? I think that's a bad sign."

"Well, _Red_ is a pretty solid album. You could do worse," offered Wade sincerely, making Darcy laugh for the first time in three days. It helped her loosen up slightly.

"I'm just confused. He used to be romantic. I know that's not how he normally is but at least he put an effort in trying. I feel him getting more distant and I don't know if it was always there and I didn't notice it because I was in the honeymoon phase or if it's actually a new thing. I thought the first time he said he loved me would be special, you know? I mean, the first time we had sex...god it was _so_ sweet. He took me out to dinner at this small place in Little Italy and then when we got back to his place, there were candles everywhere and rose petals leading towards the bedroom. Then he carried me straight to bed," sighed Darcy, getting lost in the memory.

"You didn't enjoy the chocolate fondue first?" Wade pouted. "I worked hard on that. You know how difficult it was for me to not eat it all?"

"You what?" asked Darcy.

"I- uh oh. Natasha said I'm not supposed to say anything or she'll skewer my balls," Wade said in a sing-song voice.

"Not say what?" pushed Darcy.

"I don't know," said Wade childishly and Darcy rolled her eyes, irritated. His occasional moment of sweetness was officially over.

"Wade. Tell me now."

"Only if you tell me I'm pretty."

"Wade, tell me or I'll tell Coulson who outbid him on Ebay for that Captain America trading card. Just for 'funsies' if I remember you saying."

"You're no fun. Fine. After you overreacted over that awesome box I sent-"

"I reacted exactly like a normal human being."

"Natasha got really angry and said I had to make it up to you. But after I told her my idea about renting a one man polka band she said I knew nothing about women and told me what to do. Though she said I misheard her because I thought she wanted to see my balls if I set up all that romantic crap. Not skewer them if I didn't. Semantics."

"That's not semantics, that's you not understanding English."

"Can't believe you didn't know I did all that. I left a card and everything," Wade started to complain but Darcy was fuming and stood up.

"I can't believe him! He made me think he put all that effort into-ugh! So everything has been built on a lie?"

"He _did_ write those terrible poems for you."

"I bet if I googled them, I'd find them somewhere. How could I be so blind? You know what Coulson just told me? That I can only have one half day when my parents are here! He said half of the paperwork I filed this past month is missing! My parents are coming to visit next week. I'm supposed to show them around New York and then Clint was going to meet them for the first time. But now I don't even know if I want him to meet them because we're obviously not working out!" Darcy ranted, bringing herself to actual tears this time. To her surprise, Wade stood and engulfed her in a big hug. As horrible as he could be, the annoying bastard did give great hugs. "This is the first real relationship I've had since Alan and...and I even wanted to move it with him. What was I thinking?"

"Who's Alan?" Wade asked but Coulson materialised and cleared his throat.

"Miss Lewis, is Agent Wilson causing you distress?"

"No, we're good now," Darcy admitted with a sniffle.

"Ah, well then, I'm glad to see you have been able to sort out your differences but I need to see him now."

"Okay," Darcy pulled away from Wade's warm embrace reluctantly.

"Hey, tonight let's Tex Mex, manicure and watch chick flicks at yours," suggested Wade.

"I'd like that. I think my roommate has the _Red_ CD," smiled Darcy. "See you later."

"Miss Lewis, if he does cause trouble, remember SHIELD is a phone call away," Coulson offered.

"I'm insulted by that insinuation!" Wade said.

"And I'm somewhat insulted by the insinuation that you outbid me on an important item on Ebay. Let's get this meeting started, shall we?"

"That's my cue to leave. What with all the science that needs to be happening," Darcy made her way back towards she labs, contemplating everything that she and Wade had discussed. She had an important decision to make.


	3. Fidelity

Darcy had given Clint a flimsy excuse as to why she couldn't join him for lunch today. Something about deadlines and science extravaganzas…

When he got the text message, his stomach dropped. Normally, he'd not think much of it but his instinct told him shit was about to hit the fan. So, he decided to get the opinions of the two women he trusted with his life. He was starting to regret it.

Sitting across from him at the table of an empty meeting room, Kate Bishop was laughing so hard that tears were starting to form in the corners of her eyes. Natasha sat next to her, snickering. That, for her, was the about the same as laughing until she cried.

"She almost caught you and the best you came up with was that you were jerking off?" Kate finally gasped once the largest laughing fit ended.

"Yeah, it sounds bad. But I stopped her from finding out, didn't I?"

Kate cocked her head to the side and squinted at Clint. "Yeah, I'm still confused. How are you not dead yet? As my mentor, you're not teaching me much in the 'thinking on your feet' category other than do something stupid and hope it works."

"The amount of times I seem to be saying this has grown exponentially since you started dating Darcy- but Clint, you're an idiot. I think Wade is rubbing off on you. Maybe you should stop going on missions with him. I've seen you distract killers at the drop of a hat and now I'm doubting your abilities," smirked Natasha.

"This is not the same thing! It's not like I want to lie to her."

"Maybe not but the best you could do to prevent your girlfriend from finding out you're planning a weekend trip is by telling her you're masturbating," Natasha said.

"A _long_ weekend. I'm trying to be romantic," Clint even frowned at that lame excuse. Normally he was sharper than this. He hated it. More and more he wasn't meeting his own standards. But he had been telling the truth. He didn't like lying to Darcy. They'd promised not to lie to each other unless an NDA was involved.

"You're taking her to Montreal. How romantic can that be?" Kate asked, raising an eyebrow and taking a bite of her sandwich.

"Hey, Canada is for lovers," Clint insisted, waiting a moment but only getting blank looks. "Whatever, inside joke. I've been stressed. You know, I'm gonna have lunch alone with her parents to explain my intentions. Like a gentleman."

"That must be really hard for you," Natasha deadpanned.

"It is. This takes a lot of delicate planning if I don't want her to find out. Darcy said her dad's been more overprotective since her last boyfriend so he already doesn't like me. I haven't even figured out how to convince her parents I'm not a cradle robber."

"But you are," Kate joked, earning a seething glare from Clint. She quickly shifted the subject. "Would it really have been the end of the world if she saw you talking to your neighbour in your apartment? Like a normal human being?"

"In hindsight probably not but Michelle had all these pamphlets and she's French Canadian and...a woman. Shoving her into my room and slamming the door when I heard Darcy was kind of a reflex."

"That's the reflex of a liar," Natasha pointed out.

"I wasn't expecting Michelle to stop by till later," Clint said, voice rising slightly. He paused to let out an angry breath when Natasha raised her brow in amusement at the shift in volume. "On missions I'm always on high alert. This time-"

"Stop with the excuses," Natasha balled up a napkin and threw it at Clint's head. She hated excuses, he was well aware of that. Actually, he even had a small scar on his left foot to prove it. The lesson had yet to stick.

"Fine, I'll try to do better next time," said Clint.

"We both know you won't. Though, I think it's actually kind of...sweet," Natasha said the last word with a hint of mischief, exchanging a knowing look with Kate.

"What is?" asked Clint suspiciously, not sure where she was headed. He leaned back in his chair, crossed his arms waiting for her to continue.

"The fact that you're a complete idiot when it comes to Darcy. She makes you stupid. I've never seen a girl do that to you. Obviously, you've done stupid things for a girl more times than I can count but this is different. You're like a helpless little puppy," Natasha smiled fondly and before Clint could try to defend his manliness in, she continued. "You love her, don't you?"

"Love...is such a strong word," winced Clint, laying his hands on the table.

"You mean a scary word," Kate said, using a rogue tomato as a means to punctuate her statement. Having to label his ever-growing feelings for Darcy was something he probably shouldn't continue to ignore. It was starting to get even more pathetically obvious. While he would insist vehemently that he didn't know why it was so difficult, deep down, he knew. No matter how he tried to ignore it, the feeling was firmly lodged in his chest like a seed in the dirt that sprouted without his knowledge. Then other people noticed and called him out and it changed things. He started to question the what and whys of his actions but it kept growing. And the more it grew, the more it scared the shit out of him.

"Clint, I know soon, very soon, you're going to have the urge to run away and mess this up but please, fight it. For everyone's sanity and your own happiness," urged Natasha. Her words made Clint frown.

It was true. And normally he'd have fucked things up beyond repair at his point but something was stopping him from crossing that line. This time, Clint didn't _want_ to run even if the relationship was starting to feel more and more like an uphill battle. He knew why he tried so hard to do little romantic gestures when it wasn't necessarily in his nature. It embarrassed him because he _wanted_ to do stupid things. Things like travel all the way across the city just to buy one cupcake from her favourite bakery during lunch. Or stay up till she got home if she worked late in the lab just to kiss her goodnight. Or write her short, crappy poems (though he liked to think he was getting a little better at it).

The way her face lit up every time was the best reward he could ever hope for. He knew why he tried so hard. He just wasn't sure if he was ready to face how much power she had over him.

"I think I already messed it up," confessed Clint, staring at his hands that were now balled into tight fists.

"How?"

"She sort of told me she loved me."

"And you didn't say it back." Natasha stated, disappointment lacing her words.

"Well," Clint huffed. "I just haven't got around to _actually_ saying it. I mean, I _have_, except not. It's really hard. I've been trying really hard with her. She's...different. You said so! She has to be. If it doesn't work out with her then...there must be something more fucked up about me than I thought."

"What are you talking about?"

"I want it to be special. She likes all that romantic crap and I wanted to wait 'til the trip. Wait for a candlelight dinner or sunset or something."

"Kinda makes sense," Katie shrugged, popping the tomato into her mouth.

"The only small problem- tiny problem really, is that she said it to me a couple times and I didn't really respond in the way she wanted."

The only thing Natasha needed to do to show her disapproval this time was raise her eyebrow and slightly tilt her head. It made him feel more shame than any of her words could have.

"I was there one time. He shot finger guns at her. It was embarrassing," Kate put in rather unhelpfully. Leave it to Kate to continue to prove that he was still not a fully functioning adult.

"And I might have said it during sex the other night and pretended to fall asleep right after so I didn't have to talk about it."

"How many times has she said it and how many times have you fucked it up?" Natasha rubbed at her temple in aggravation.

"Five and uh, seven. Well, okay eight."

At this point, Natasha no longer needed words to show her absolute frustration towards Clint. All she needed was an eye roll, exasperated sigh and kick to his shin.

"A badly written poem isn't going to fix this, is it?" asked Clint pitifully.

"No. This is the first real problem in the relationship and some flowers aren't going to make it go away. Though you haven't run away yet. I'm a little impressed actually," Natasha admitted and Clint smiled, perking up. Darcy _was_ different. She had to be. For his sake.

"Can we keep it that way? I actually like Darcy," Kate said, the statement sounding more like a blessing than anything.

Clint was determined to not fuck this up anymore than he had.

"Okay, so what do I do?"

"Honestly? I'd say wait till it blows over. She thinks you jerked off. It's not the worst thing you've ever done. And yeah, I'm talking about the pictures," smirked Kate.

"Would you stop mentioning that? It's done and over," Clint whined.

"Really? Cause I found them along with pocket sized versions in your new hiding spot."

"Stop going through my stuff."

"You still have them?" Natasha glared at Clint, amazed at the new depths of his idiocy. A final straw had been broken.

"She's my girlfriend now," Clint gave as a weak argument.

"Not for long," said Kate.

"I don't carry them with me all the time. Just...on the easy recon missions. Sometimes I get bored."

"TMI," Kate grimaced.

"You know what? I'm tired of always fixing your problems with Darcy. You're an adult. You love her. You fix it. Any advice you want from now on, you can get from Kate," Natasha said.

"But-"

"End of discussion," Natasha ordered before pointedly ignoring him and eating her pasta salad aggressively.

"You already got my opinion," shrugged Kate. With a large, self-pitying sigh, Clint laid his head on the table. The table muffled his next whine.

"What am I gonna say to her parents?"

"Read them some of your poems? If her dad's overprotective he won't like you no matter what you do," Kate offered and Clint groaned.

* * *

**End Note**: Couldn't help but add Katie-Kate to the cast :) Hope you enjoyed the character addition.


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